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Supporting Loved Ones: The Basics

False reports of sexual assault are rare. When someone tells you they have been sexually assaulted or raped, they are likely telling the truth—avoid investigating or questioning their story. Sometimes survivors need emotional support and a listening ear.  

(Survivors of sexual violence) People who experience rape or sexual assault may feel like they have lost control over their body and their choices. One of the most important things you can do is believe them and support them. Believing survivors is a first step in helping them feel safe and supported as they heal. 

Research shows that about 2%–10% of sexual assault reports are false. This is similar to the rate of false reports for other violent crimes.

Spending time with friends, relatives, and loved ones who are supportive are great ways for a survivor to cope with traumatic events. Being with loved ones reduces feelings of isolation, stress, and fear for most survivors.

Believe Them 

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When someone tells you about their sexual assault story, they are sharing something very personal and painful. It is important to respond in a calm and caring way. Try not to react with anger, fear, guilt, or other strong emotions. 

A strong reaction can make the survivor feel uncomfortable or trapped. They may even feel like they need to take care of your feelings instead of receiving the support they need from you. 

Here are some things you can say if someone tells you about their sexual assault: 

  • “I believe you.” 

  • “It’s not your fault.” 

  • “You’re not alone. I’m here for you.” 

  • “I’m sorry this happened to you.” 

  • “I care about you. I’m here to listen or help in any way I can.” 

Reacting with anger, confusion, or blame can be very hurtful. It may also make it harder for the survivor to heal.  

If you feel like you did not demonstrate an appropriate response, it is okay to apologize. Apologizing can help rebuild trust and show survivors that you care. 

Sexual assault and rape are always the fault of the person who chose to hurt someone. The survivor is never to blame. They should not have to carry the blame for someone else’s choice to harm them.

Respond with Love and Care 

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When someone tells you about sexual abuse, you may have many questions. You may want to know who did it, when and where it happened, if they reported it, or if the perpetrator who hurt them is being punished. 

Sometimes, you may be shocked to learn who the perpetrator was. You may want to ask, “Are you sure [name] did that to you?” It is normal to have questions, but it is important to ask them with care. 

Please do:  

  • Get permission before asking questions. At the end of their sharing, ask your survivor if they are okay with you asking questions. If they are uncomfortable answering questions, do not push for an answer.  

  • Respect what they choose to share. Sharing a sexual assault story takes a lot of courage and you do not need to know every detail. Talking about what happened can bring back painful feelings or flashbacks.  

  • Ask how you can support them. You can ask, “Is there anything you need from me?” or “How can I support you?” 

Please Avoid:  

  • Avoid “what if” and “are you sure” questions. Your survivor knows what happened to them. They lived through it. Questions like these may make them feel like you do not believe them. This can hurt the trust between you and create healing roadblocks which prolongs their trauma and pain.  

  • Avoid dictating what they should do next. Each survivor has the right to choose what happens next. They may choose to report the abuse, pursue a restraining order, talk to a trained counselor, or do none of these things. The survivor should be informed about the services available to them but will need to make the best choice for themselves.  

  • Their body, their story, and their choices belong to them. 

Survivors and loved ones can call our 24/7 hotline at 909-626-4357 for support and information.  

Ask Questions with Care 

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Survivors can experience the following after sexual assault:  

  • Poor Self-Esteem  

  • Fear of Intimacy  

  • Anger  

  • Anxiety  

  • Insomnia  

  • Hypervigilance  

  • Alcohol Abuse  

  • Substance Abuse  

  • Depression  

  • PTSD  

  • Physical, sexual, and/or romantic difficulties  

  • Suicidal Thoughts or Ideation 

  • ETC.  

Everyone responds to an assault differently. Their response may depend on their coping skills, support system, and current situation. 

Some emotional responses may happen right after the assault. Others may appear weeks, months, or even years later. Sometimes, difficult feelings may return after a survivor has felt okay for a while. 

It is important to remember that healing does not happen in a specific order. There is no set amount of time it takes to heal. Every survivor heals in their own way and at their own pace. 

Accepting Changes as they Come

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Healing Is Possible

for Every Survivor

Survivors and support people can call our 24/7 anonymous, confidential hotline at (909) 626-4357 for support and information. 

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