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2. Believe Your Partner

False reports of sexual assault are rare. When your partner tells you they have been sexually assaulted or raped, it is likely that they are telling you the truth. Avoid doing your own investigation or questioning their story. They may just need you for emotional support.  

You may be shocked to learn who the perpetrator was. You may want to ask, “Are you sure [name] did that to you?” It is normal to have questions, but it is important to ask them with care. 

Please do:  

• Get permission before asking questions. When your spouse is done sharing, ask if they are okay with you asking questions. If they’re uncomfortable answering questions, don’t push for an answer.   

• Respect what they choose to share. As a partner, it can be traumatizing to learn every detail. Forcing a survivor to share what happened can be traumatizing and embarrassing. It can also bring feelings of guilt and shame.  

• Ask how you can support them. You can ask, “Is there anything you need from me?” or “How can I support you?” In practice, support can be shown by taking on a few extra chores so they can attend therapy, going with them on errands where they feel vulnerable, and taking a few extra minutes to check on on how they’re doing.  

Please Avoid:  

• Avoid “what if” and “are you sure” questions. Your spouse knows what happened to them. They lived through it. Questions like these may make them feel like you do not believe them. This can hurt the trust between you and create healing roadblocks. Healing roadblocks prolongs their trauma and pain.  

• Avoid sharing your partner’s assault story with others. Sharing details with family members or friends can embarrass and isolate your partner. Sharing this story without your partner’s permission can create immense barriers to healing and jeopardize a potential criminal or civil case. Allow your partner to share their story with others on their terms. Encourage involved family members to keep your partner’s story private.  

• Avoid dictating what they should do next. Each survivor has the right to choose what happens next. They may choose to report the abuse, pursue a restraining order,or speak with a counselor. They also have the choice to take no action at all. 

Their body, their story, and their choices belong to them. 

Spending time with friends, relatives, and loved ones who are supportive are great ways for a survivor to cope with traumatic events. Being with loved ones reduces feelings of isolation, stress, and fear for most survivors.